alright. someone i met at college this year turned out to be a rapist.

now. I dont know what i think about this.

yes, its bad obviously. but part of me just feels incredibly bad for him. that is one drunken decision that will change his life forever. drastically.

I cant imagine something like that. first of all. unless i was really traumatized i dont think i would prosecute someone. we were talking at lunch and ppl seemed to think the girl would be so traumatized she wouldnt be able to come back to the ic, let alone the pentacrest. 1. i dont think id be that traumatized. 2. i wouldnt want to let someone else control my life like that.

another thing. just finalized tks to ri to see zero. hope that goes well..? worryworry. keeps talking about megan, so idk. also, i put it off for so long kuz i really didnt want to expose myself emotionally to that again. but here i go. . . also, im not sure if this trip is going to push me towards or away for finals, soooo... ?

at jenns house last night jer brought this girl who he obvi likes... kinda hurt my feelings but i wz fine till i went home, then def cried ... :/ ryan was helpful though, like always.

Thanksgiving 09

Checking in again, after a long time of not.
ps. check out oct. draft

today wz thanksgiving, we had delicious food. My mom cooked turkey, and it wz the best i think i've ever had. YUM. after lunch we all sat in the living room and chilled, i looked at the adds for tomorrow, which wz really nice. all together as a family. then we went up to cr, to see grandma and granddad. granddad had made this wonderful pie, white chocolate and black currant fluffy yum, and grandma perked up after we got there and injected some excitement into her day. sbg and i played the statue game in the blue chair.

then we went home, and i took care of checkers, took a shower and watched the survivor recap episode they always play on survivor. now im here. so about y, um. idk. back to october basically, only i feel like this is worse. worse as in perminante. two weekends ago (or last weekend? i dont recall) we all were going to a movie night at grahams, but y said he couldnt come, until the last minute. he wanted me to drive him home at six, in the middle of the movie, and thought this wz a fair idea because i got to spend an hour more with him. i wznt down with said plan, because i only gave him a ride there in the first place bc he said his dad wz going to give him a ride home when he needed to go. he told me hed lied right as we got to grahams, and i got angry and started driving him home. fight ensued, and he opened the passenger door while i wz on the curvy road out by fsb. needless to say i wz incredibly pissed. walking home wz not an option, and he knew it.

anyway that wz two weeks ago (i ended up going to movie night at grahams... prolly shouldnt hav done what i did, but past is past now.) (if you forget, reminder: shoes) so this tuesday (we hav the rest of the week off) y wz in nyc for a scholarship thing, and so i hung out with everyone at the park, we were playing frisbee. y called me and wz super pissed bc id told him i wz working on something and i couldnt talk online. yeah, i shouldnt hav lied, but at the time it felt like the best thing to do.. he would hav stopped me from going at all if id told him when i called him after school to see how he wz doing anyways.
so yeah. y wz very pissed. wanted me to talk on chat, but i wz having fun with everyone. we .. idk. sigh

oh so. sad thing about tomorrow. this would hav marked the anniversary of him giving me the ring, but on monday (y's last day at school, he left for ny tuesday morning) we went to java h, and he wanted me to wear the ring again (i had stopped wearing it since the last time we fought, i asked him to give it back to me only if he really wanted me to have it) and he just pulled it out in the car and dropped it into my hand, and thought this wz an acceptable presentation for me to take it back. i gave it back to him, and he got mad bc i wznt taking it, but i didnt want to take it when he just dumped it into my hand. i really needed some kind of reassurance, because even though we had talked the previous night on chat, i wznt sure how he felt about me, or if he wz just saying things in the moment.

so before first period he wz still trying to get me to take it, so i did, but then infront of math, he wz like give it back to me if you dont trust me completely. and i obviously didnt trust him completely, so i gave it back, and he wz disgusted that i gave it back to him that he tried to shove it back in my hand but i moved my hand too quickly, and i went to math, and i heard the note as the silver hit the ground all through math class.

so anyway, this, to me, marked the concrete one year anniversary of us being together, and planning to be so forever, so idk, strange timing.
and when he went to newyork, he went to some conference thing, and sigh, i can tell hes realized there are going to be loads of girls when hes in college who are way more impressive than i am, and i think we are broken up for real this time.

we are going to go to dinner saturday to talk.

-nats out

six eleven

ok, guess what?

infinity/death/forever?

so, i was thinking today, talking to a wall rather, and meditating on death. and life. and existance after life is over.



me: to me, im not going to die, and to you, you arent going to die.. but you could die to me i suppose other ppl can die to you but you will never die to yourself

me: ok, well you havnt been following all of that 7:27 PM but im not going to die, in the sence that ppl mean when they say death ok maybe i mean im not going to be dead 7:28 PM i will die in the sence that to you, i will end but i dont think its possible to die to yourself because as soon as you end there is nothing else no reccognition so, you arent dead you just arent alive any more there is no you there is only what there is when you are alive 7:29 PM all i kno, is what my life is like and if i were to die in the next five seconds i wouldnt kno Young: yeah me: i would just cease to exist so, im never going to be dead 7:30 PM i can be dead to other ppl but i cant be dead to myself anyway, arent you going to dinner? me too, i want something to eat



i think that you will never be dead. (to yourself) once you die, there is not any self to realize you are dead, and so, you are never 'dead' as far as you know. in a way, we are all immortal. everything we know, we see, we think, we feel, is all contained in our lifespan, and our life is forever to us. after death, there is no longer a 'self' to be dead, or be aware of such a satus.

so basically, because you only know your own life, it is as though you are immortal. your forever is forever to you, and when your forever is over, other peoples forevers may go on, but

m idk, this revalation, is not pessimistic at all. and im not trying to take away from the lives of the living, idk, its just a thought. its neat

hmm, it seems to me that my blogs only last four months, and then i drop it. i suppose im just not much of a journaling person. lets pick it back up yeah? alright so hm. so much to say, i dont know where to start.

this next week is the last week of school. we would hav been out eariler but thanks to the million snow days we get out now. ugh. my grades are crap. nnn. fail.. nnn. it sucks.. im really sad. this reallydoes suck. really. sigh. only four days left too, we get out thrusday. i hav open 6th, and ive been going to painting with rachel shecnkel and rachel smith, its been really fun. i made some watercolor paintings and this VERY cool watercolor of a tiger's head for jamie for his birthday. i wrote the tyger tyger burning bright poem on it by blake, and today daddy went and got color copies of it for me. it looks amazing. like.. it really is one of my most favourite things ive made.

jamies party was going to be last weekend, but he changed his official one till later, because rachel and i couldnt really come. ( i couldnt come bc we went to great wolf over the memorial day weekend) instead of his party last weekend, he had a sleepover for young don jamie and i. it was prolly the most fun thing ive been to in a LONG time. we played video games and just hung out, and i slept with young at night, which was really nice. ^^.

y and i.. wow. i really really think im going to spend the rest of my life with him. the logistics may be kinda fuzzy and difficult now, but i think we can work it out. i really love him.

school.. ugh. its almost over tho. this summer im going to a camp at simpson, and working at danes, and chilling with sarah. we are going to go to fired up and the library and do fun sisterly things. i also want to buy some watercolor paper and good brushes and illistrate more poems.
its really fun, and not hard to do at all.

after the seniors left, well i havnt really noticed it, except for now we play diplomacy in 6th. i hav 6th open, and so young jerry kui astrid graham kerri stan and sam all play dip in tysons room. its really fun!!

i really need to go find my phone..
nat out

blaim game

WAL-MART EMPLOYEE TRAMPLED TO DEATH:::November 29, 2008 New York.
i agree that this is a very tragic accident. this is terrible, but you cant seriously tell me that any one of us is going to walk away being truely perminantly touched. this may seem cold, but in a month the feelings will fade. i wonder if you even now, could remember the deceased's name?
soon, his death will solely be a statistic. sure, you put on your sad face, and feel some sympathy, but how real is that sympathy?

""yes that was a tragedy, it shouldnt have happened.poor unfortunate soul. what a terrible thing to happen, think of his family... if i was there, i would have stopped, those people who trampled him are hearless and solely ruled by greed for fake consumer items""
feelings like the above went through many a head, including mine during class, and many people felt strongly about the death.
but you go back to your happy little life easily and dont spare another thought to Mr. Damour. the truth about life is that things like this happen every day. we can not even begin to properly feel the devistation that could be felt.

many people looked down on the tramplors. you assume the best of yourself, thinking that you would, of corse, stopped to save him. when in reality ask yourself again. would you?

i can sympathize with the mob at the scene. they were not thinking "oh look, an man on the floor, i will continue to race on, nevermind if i happen to step on him" they were most likely focused on their goal item(s) and much like driving on the highway, when you are concentrated on what is to come, you may miss the many small dead rodent carcasses at the sides of the road. or in the middle of the road. it is just a nameless lump between you and your goal, and it can be overpassed easily, without sparing much thought.

these crowd members were not looking to harm the man, they might not have even noticed him.i also think that many of the crowd members just assumed he would be helped by someone else. this shruging of athority and responcibility is what they should be charged for, not murder. they all assume that someone else will help him, so they continue on.

this is much like the example neuzil has mentioned before. there is a woman who is attacked in a street sorrounded by apartments. her attacker retreats, fearing being heard, which he was, because there were many witnesses to the attack in the sorrounding buildings. and yet no one calls 911. they all assume someone else will call it in, and the attack goes unreported and no one goes out to help the woman. stuck in harms way, the woman can not get help, and the attacker comes back, and this time kills her. the witnesses should not be tried for murder, just because they didnt call 911, but they should take some blaim. this too was a tragic event. no one allerted athorities because they assumed someone else would take the innitiative. back to wal mart, the members of the crowd may have shirked the responcibility of helping, thinking someone 'better qualified' would help soon.

and ofcorse, this is assuming that the members of the crowd were even really in control of their own actions. it is possible that the surge of the crowd prevented them from properly controling their actions.

all in all, i do not think that everyone who so much as steped on Mr. Damour should be prosecuted. this was an accident, and since it was on such a large scale, it should not be treated as a murder. i hope i made you think more. has this really affected you? will you remember it in months even years to come? and if it did affect you, what are you going to do with that new knowledge? this story certinly made me think.

copying morals

we lie, cheat, and steal. i cant say i haven't, and neither can anyone else alive. well, unless there is still a bubble boy out there... if so, im rather interested to meet him.

moral standards are definatly changing, and judging one moral code with another is rather dicey. morals are created by the society who follow them, and as the hoi polloi change so will the moral standards. who are we to say what is right anyways? the morals of as recently as last century are now considered grotesque, and who can say which of our standards will be gawked at by future generations. also, by having an existing moral code that is widely agreed upon, yes, we create stability and guidelines, but we also stifle progression and individuality. many people accept the morals of society without really stopping to think about what they mean. we accept the values as right because that is what everyone else accepts and has accepted.
i believe that more people should take the time to cultivate their own beliefs and morals, not follow the norm. think for yourself people.

but then again, if you do not have the courage to do so, your loss.

back to copying. i personally do not have any problem with it. i admitt i am being rather selfish in saying this, but i dont mind when people copy. when i do not do the work and copy i realize what i am doing and i would normally go back and make sure i do understand what i hurridly copied earlier. moreover, if they choose to work off others and not learn it themselves, all the more chance i will advance ahead of them when i do the work. its not hurting me when they are not learning. all the better for me to triumph with.

but i can sympathize with those i see in the halls copying, and since there isnt curve grading here, it does not affect me much. i do it, you do it, we let it happen. thats life.